Confession 260: On Parenting

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him. 

Psalm 127:4

Lately, my children have been driving me crazy.  They're loud and demanding and stubborn and messy.  They question everything.  They're slow to listen, willful and always need to be in my presence.  Sometimes, I am tempted to go and rent a hotel room for the weekend so I can sleep and sit in silence for a bit.

My 4 year old is going through an especially trying stage.  The other day he threw a massive temper tantrum and was sent to time out.  When I went to talk to him about why he was in time out, the response I got was, "It's none of your business!!"  I fought back the urge to grab him and throttle him, opting instead to walk out of the room and shut the door behind me.  As he was screaming for me to come back, I calmly said through the door, "I'm sorry, sweetie, but you're not being safe right now.  Mommy will come back in when you show me you can be safe."  His response--toy cars pelted at the door.  "Ummm....that's not showing me you can be safe," I said.  It was a long evening.

Sometimes, as a parent, I just want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away.  There are days when I ask myself, "Whose idea was it to have children in the first place?"  I have a split-second of longing for the pre-children days. Of course, then I remember my good friends who have lost children and I think, "What in the he double hockey sticks is wrong with you?!  How can you take so much for granted?"  And then the guilt sets in.

Compounded with that is the guilt I feel about working full-time.  Part of me longs to be at home working so that I can get more accomplished here.  But, the other part of me wants paid benefits and a regular salary.  We need it, actually.  And, I'm not always good with my children day in and day out, 24 hours a day.  No matter how hard I want to be one of those mother's who is totally devoted to her children, I'm not sure it's in my DNA.  

Is there anyone else out there who struggles with this vicious cycle of parenting?  Am I the only one out there who doesn't dote on and adore my children every moment of the day?  Is it okay to want to run screaming from the house occasionally when my children are at their worst?

At the end of the day, I know my children are a precious gift.  We play and cuddle and laugh and create wonderful moments together.  I am proud of them, mostly, and see these sparks of God's Spirit within them.  I know they're good kids, and I know that the tantrums will pass.  As God is ever so faithful to me, so I will be faithful to my children.  I will trust in Him and listen to Him as I continue the journey of parenting.  It won't be perfect, because I am not perfect.  And, neither are my children. But I am going to hold fast to the knowledge that these children, loud, stubborn, messy, demanding as they are, are truly a heritage from the Lord.  And, my husband and I will do our best to make them a reward for Him.

Blessings and Peace,

Sara