I have been in a dark place the past several weeks. I'm not talking power outages here, although maybe that's an appropriate metaphor. This has been more the: "Did you lead us out of captivity only to let us die in the wilderness?" kind of dark. Our new town, home and community are wonderful, but in moving to our new appointment I gave up a job that was the best professional experience of my life. I've been searching for a new teaching position for months now, and nothing is opening up. My last paycheck comes next week, so we're down to the wire. I've been telling myself, and all those around me, that God will provide. God always provides. Yet deep down, those nagging doubts have been growing. Will God provide? Why is he being so silent? I need to see a plan--any plan!! And it can't be one that involves me spending 24/7 with my two and four year old, because that is just not who God made me to be. I need to work. It's who I am. It's where I come from. All of the women in my family have worked, even my great-great grandmothers.
After a very unproductive day of job hunting, I decided to take the boys for a spin in our new mini-van to put them to bed. Yes, we bought a mini-van. My car lease was up. Purchasing a minivan requires faith on so many different levels! The boys were out in fifteen minutes, so I had some quiet time with God. I poured out my heart to him, as the Psalms tell us we should do. I recounted a Psalm I had read this morning, Psalm 69, in which the psalmist states: "Save, me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck...I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help...My eyes fail, looking for my God."
I had literally just finished telling God that I was looking for him everywhere and couldn't see him when K-Love began playing "Let the Waters Rise" by Mike's Chair. I don't know how many of you are familiar with this, but here's how some of it goes:
"Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear. Where do I go from here?
There's a raging sea right in front of me
Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise if you want them to
I will follow you, I will follow you.
God you know where I've been, you were there with me then
You were faithful before, you'll be faithful again; I'm holding your hand.
So let the waters rise, if you want them to
I will follow you, I will follow you."
And, as if that wasn't enough, the very next song was "Right Here" by Jeremy Camp. "Everywhere I go I know you're not far away. You're right here, you're right here."
It was like God was wrapping his wonderfully strong arms around me saying, "You silly girl. You know I'd never leave you." He didn't give me all of the answers. He didn't reveal his master plan, but he opened my eyes to his presence and his unfailing faithfulness. And right now, that's all I need to see.
Blessings and Peace,