Confession 15: "Not my will, but thine..." Say WHAT?

Over the past few years, I have worked hard to try and align myself and my life with the will of God. I have tried to be accepting of situations that have occurred to test my strength and resolve. I have tried to keep my eye on the bigger picture, to see my life lived in the grand scheme of things, rather than the smallness of myself. Chris and I have known for a long while now that this would be our last year at Platte Woods Church. We have both been praying for several months about the next appointment Chris would receive. I, myself, have prayed that we would end up exactly where God wanted us to be, a place where we could both grow professionally and personally. We were both excited and energized at the prospect of moving forward, to go on to bigger and better things. Well, we might be moving on to better, but it certainly won't be bigger.

Chris got the call last week that he was being appointed to First United Methodist Church in Mt. Vernon, Missouri. For those of you who don't know (we didn't) Mt. Vernon is a small community about 25 miles west of Springfield, Missouri. There is one main street that runs through the town, and a business district in serious need of revitalization. Although there is some projected growth in the area, it is not coming fast. After years of living and working in urban and suburban areas, we were both pretty shocked. I immediately started looking around at all I would be giving up. No more Target, no more Starbucks. No more trendy shopping districts and upscale restaurants. No more theater, no more concerts. No more Barnes and Noble. More importantly, what was I going to do? I looked to God and asked, "Are you serious?" I quickly began to come to terms with my own snobbishness and materialism when we took a trip down to see the church last weekend. The people were friendly and seemed genuinely excited to have us there. The district superintendent was especially excited, and I think sees potential for a lot of growth.

Chris and I have since been praying Jesus's prayer of submission in Gethsemane on a regular basis. It really is a good appointment, and southwest Missouri is a nice area to be in. There is a city close by, and living in a small town will give us the opportunity to be more involved in a community than living in a city allows. More importantly, I know we have both placed ourselves in the center of God's will, and that God has a definite purpose for bringing us to this church. So, instead of saying, "WHAT?", I am changing my response to "YES!" and trusting in God's greater vision.

Blessings and Peace,
Sara

Confession 14: Too Much

We live in a very complicated society. There are no more simple decisions to be made, no more boxes in which you simply check yes or no. There's too much information out there. Our information superhighway may make decision making more effective, but many times leaves me feeling like I'm stuck in traffic. There's just too much. We live in a society of too much. In fact, I think that "too much" needs to become the new official motto of the United States. We have too much, we consume too much, we know (or think we know) too much, and we still want more. Too much...

I was contemplating this state of too muchness today while reading information on homemade baby food. Our 9 month old has been attempting solid foods for a few months now. I have tried in the past few years to be more conscious of what I put into my body. I buy organic milk and vegetables, frequent the local farmer's market in the summer, and try to buy more natural products. After I had a child, I decided I wanted the same for him. I wanted to be very aware of what he put into his body and wanted to make sure he stayed away from processed food. My goal was to give him only breast milk until he was a year old and to make all of his baby food from scratch. Ha! The things you learn as you go... Working full-time, my milk supply has not grown with my son's appetite, and my husband and I introduced formula into his diet at 6 months. As for the food, the closest I've come to making it from scratch has been to mash up a banana!

I was reading a series of e-mails on a listserve I belong to about baby food, and all of the mothers who responded to a question about baby food make their food from scratch. One of the mothers found a website which she directed the group to that had baby food recipes and tips for parents to make food on their own. It's a great website, with great recipes and advice. The authors of the website have lots of facts and figures for why you should make your own baby food and the great benefits your baby will receive. It's one of those websites that makes me feel like a bad mother for investing in Gerber. The problem for me is that it's just too much. It's too much to bake chicken and apples and peaches and rice. It's too much to get out the food processor three times a day, dirty it up, clean it up, and put it back, only to go through the whole process again the next day. I only have so much time during the day, and I'd rather spend that time playing with my son and talking to my husband. That, for me, is not too much. Most days, it feels like it's not enough. It's easier for me to pop open a tub of Gerber sweet potatoes and corn than to go through the process of baking a sweet potato, roasting corn, and puree-ing them together. I know in the eyes of some this makes me a less than ideal mother, but I was never cut out to be June Cleaver. Anyway, June Cleaver is too much.

This idea of too much was driven home to me again when I was reading the latest edition of UN Wire, a daily e-mail update of articles published about human rights issues throughout the world. I was struck once more by the disparity of the too little in which most of the world lives and the too much in which Americans live. As a friend of mine recently said, at least we have a choice in the type of food we consume and give to our children. So many don't. Maybe my Gerber food isn't ideal, but it's food that nourishes and sustains my son, and for that I am very grateful. Gratitude can never be too much.

Blessings and Peace,
Sara

Confession 13: Cycles of Life

There are many different cycles we see and experience in life. There's the overarching life cycle which frames all that we do. There are cycles of relationships and cycles in relationships. There are cycles of days and cycles of time. There are cycles of seasons and cycles of celebrations. There are religious cycles and political cycles. Our lives are lived in cycles, not linear at all. I started thinking about cycles a few weeks ago, when my monthly cycle began again after an absence of 18 months. This cycle is one in which most women live the majority of their lives. Different women feel different things about this cycle. Most of us are excited when it first begins. It is a rite of passage for young women, a mark of change and growth, of maturing. It begins a new phase in life. Over time, the newness wears off, and it becomes, for me at least, more of a pain than anything else. I know there are women out there who eagerly anticipate the continuation of this cycle. For them, it means that things are going smoothly and there is no major life-change on the way. I also know that there are women out there who just as eagerly anticipate the end of this cycle. For them, it means that something new is taking place, a much-hoped for life is beginning to grow, or a new stage in life is taking place. In general, this cycle is the beginning of something.

Yet for me, the return of my cycle felt more like an end. It was sad, not because I would have to start paying attention to the calendar again and making sure I was well stocked-up on various feminine hygiene products, but sad because it means that life is moving on, and my baby boy is growing up. I realize, of course, that he's only 9 months old. It's not like he's getting a driver's license or going off to college, but those things will come. He's already changed and grown so much. In 9 months he's tripled his birth weight, gotten teeth, lost his baby-face and begun to crawl. His existence is no longer wrapped up within me, and my body has recognized that and moved on. I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I know that at some level he'll always be my little baby boy, and that we've got lots of new things to look forward to. I know that cycles are circular and always come back around. I know this is really a beginning, and not at all an end. But, as with all cycles, there is something left behind. And in this moment, it's hard to let it go.

Blessings and Peace,
Sara